Will Madam Be Having Lard With That?

I really think I must have a food intolerance.

After ten days in Singapore and a couple of weeks in Malaysia, I’m mysteriously bloated.

My stomach’s the same size it was when I was four months pregnant. It bulges over the top of my pants in the manner of late-era Bukowski.

It’s all most peculiar.

Japanese craft ales in Singapore.

And, of course, emotionally highly distressing.

What can I blame for this sorry state of affairs?

Bar reviewing is work, right?

What’s a few champagne cocktails, Negronis, cask strength whiskeys, passion fruit Margaritas, whiskey cocktails, sake sets and eighteen varieties of Bloody Mary going to do to one’s weight?

I DEFINITELY don’t blame the beers.

And the Singapore Slings? Those were *research*, goddamit.

And, sure, Singapore has one of the most thriving fast food cultures outside of the US — it’s debatably even worse than the Philippines.

But I didn’t try the dispenser mashed potato. Strangely enough…

But what human being possessed of even basic curiosity could fail to sample the Waffle Hot Dog? If not, perhaps, finish it.

Or the Takoyaki? Deep-fried Japanese savoury dumplings. Five for $3. With a topping of — and I am not making this up — crispy slivers of lard.

I held firm against the Shiok Burger’s siren call.

Though perhaps I overdid the dim sum. Crystal dumplings, prawn, spinach, crab, scallop, century egg, salted egg and pork — ooh, the pork! — some of them literally bursting with rich pork juices.

Too late for dim sum? How about some pork belly, more century egg, crispy tofu, crispy peanuts, and steamboat soup with EVERYTHING.



Sure, I had a little Toblerone
. And the occasional Gelatissimo gelato.

But it can’t be that.

Nor the curries.

Sizzling, oily fish head curry, rich with tomatoes and okra. Lamb vindaloo, butter chicken, spicy mutton, mushroom masala, pumpkin and coconut curry, lentil dahl, mustard-spiced green beans, potatoes and peas…

Pile upon pile of Indian breads — butter roti dipped in curry sauce and dhal. Paratha. Naan. Poppadoms. Breads studded with sesame, garlic, grains…

Ooh, and rice. Biryani rice. Rice saturated to gloopy richness in pure ghee. Heaped piles of it on banana leaves, lubricated with thali from tin cups.

Or the Indian sweets. Marzipan candy apples, with cloves for a stem. Great cones of roti tissu decked in syrup.

Could it be the nasi kandar, the spicy Penang cooking that sits halfway between Indian and Javanese?

Surely not. I had VEGETABLES with that.

Or the food courts of KL? That carrot cake, perhaps? The noodle soups. The curry laksa.

I mean, who in their right mind *wouldn’t* try a dish called Chee Cheong Fun?

Nah.

It must be my metabolism.

Or perhaps an intolerance of some kind.

Because, unlike these very funny folk, I haven’t been to the US.

Have *you* ever mysteriously gained weight while overseas? What countries trigger *your* food intolerances? Drop me a comment and let me know…

35 Responses

  1. Natalia says:

    Great post! While I loved the culture and history in Singapore, I have to admit what makes me want to go back is the FOOD!! And yes, even though it makes me bloat, and feel a bit queasy at times, it is still worth it. And you know it is too, don’t you? 🙂

  2. Dalene says:

    I want all of that. Except maybe the vending machine potatoes.

    I have a similar problem lately as well…and it couldn’t possibly be all the Guinness, Irish whiskey, chips, Walker’s salt & malt crisps (which we now affectionately refer to as “crack”). It must be something else…

    • Theodora says:

      Oooohhhhhh…. Walker’s crisps! Salt and vinegar! Salt and malt vinegar must be an Irish thing. I am salivating… S&V crisps are always a central component in any care package from the UK. It’s that and trashy magazines…

  3. FiFi says:

    I love your post – hilarious and also rather offputting! I usually over indulge in every country, except maybe Cuba (awful stuff) and actually the USA because my stomach cannot handle ‘deep fat fried’ ‘with sugar’ for breakfast! I do think Asia is the worst – it all looks so pretty!

    • Theodora says:

      Yes! I think Malaysia and Singapore are definitely the worst offenders. By the time we hit KL, we were GAGGING for salad… Even Subway felt healthy after the diet….

  4. Danielle says:

    Really, really enjoy your blog! And this post on food is especially amazing!

  5. i want MOST of that. what the heck is chicken floss? and please tell me that the mashed potato sign does NOT say POO. ??!!

    YUM for the rest of it – i’d gain, too…

    • Theodora says:

      I’m afraid the mashed potato dispensing sign does say exactly that. Chicken floss, and pork floss, is meat combed and teased and fattified to a texture not dissimiliar to candy floss (cotton candy). I find it uncomfortably close to eating hair…

  6. Lina says:

    I had the exact thing happen to me recently only it wasn’t in a different country but rather my 90 year old Grandma’s house. No one can top Grandma’s chocolate cake and she makes me one every morning. I’m sure she takes out all the calories first though.

    Thank you for the post! Yuck to the potato yum to the curries!

    • Theodora says:

      Of course! Grandmothers are well known for their ability to remove all the calories in butter, eggs, sugar and chocolate. I know mine was great at it…

  7. Um.. I discovered black Cusqueña beer, which takes like coffee and chocolate and only comes in a litre size bottle. But I’m sure it’s not responsible for larger pant size. Srsly, must be MY metabolism too.

    • Theodora says:

      Absolutely. After all, it’s not like either of our boys are putting on weight and they, umm, eat the same as us? Right?

  8. Anne-Marie says:

    Oh dear! I read this at 2pm, having decided I could manage without lunch as I have so much work to do – am now heading straight out for a sandwich…and feeling mega hungry

  9. I usually tell people that I love to go to London because I can drink all the beer I want and still come home 5 lbs thinner for all the walking. I live in Los Angeles and walk more in a week in London than a month in LA.

    When I went to Prague though, no amount of crisscrossing The Charles bride could walk off all those dumplings and black beer. By then end of the week I was begging for a dieters’ tea and a crisp green vegetable.

    • Theodora says:

      Oooh, yes. Czech cuisine isn’t exactly light, is it? Goose…. Pork… Sausages… Dumplings… My body was screaming for salad after a fortnight or so.

  10. fotoeins says:

    Chee Choeng Fun! Dim Sum! Dumplings!

    Yes, please!

  11. Don Faust says:

    I love Asian food, especially all of the curries. I mysteriously gained 10 lbs in 10 days on an Alaskan cruise… I need a sign that says “No, it’s NOT all you can eat – not for you!”

    Even if you think you are eating healthly, it is really easy to bulk up on vegetarian dishes like Indian food, if you are eating a lot of starchy carbs and bread.

    In the US, our biggest culprit is the all the crap trans fat made from vegetable oils and inserted into numerous food (think McDonald’s fries) and high fructose corn syrup, which is used as a sweetener in almost everything. If you can get rid of those, then everything is mostly portion control.

    • Theodora says:

      A general rule most Brits I know apply when going to America, Don, is “order the child portion” — your portions are EPIC! I can’t imagine what a cruise buffet would be like. Well, I can, actually…

      I think you’re right about the vegetarian Indian cuisine. It’s designed as a big feed for someone who’s going to do a hard day’s manual labour. Not a lazy tourist who’ll be hanging around Singapore doing a little light walking.

      • Don Faust says:

        You are right about that. Most Americans are conditioned by the horrible suburban chain restaurants that more is better, rather than focusing on quality. Even in some really nice privately owned restaurants, the portions are large, so you are right – find out if they have an smaller sizes. More often than not, my wife and I just do appetizers – that way, we don’t get too far before realizing we are already full.

        • Theodora says:

          That’s a sensible approach, Don. I realise it’s true that in fine dining the portions are more internationally sized, but eating only appetizers is a great idea.

  12. Lordie that all sounds good! I’d kill for any kind of curry right now.

  13. Tracy says:

    I am sure that whatever problem you are having with your metabolism is contagious. After a week with you at our house I’m back to my pre-camping in Australia with cycling and walking every day weight. Damn you!!

    Fantastic photos. The Getting out of Auto book is obviously working for you. The naan and curry photo is my favourite

    • Theodora says:

      Umm, sorry about that… Yeah. I think greed is seriously catching. French food in Vientiane is helping a little, though. (I hope!) May I recommend kayaking for you? I’m sure I lost at least one Penang curry’s worth of excess fat after kayaking 17k down the Nam Song…

      • Tracy says:

        A trek to Monkey Beach may be in order. Can you believe my mother arrived in Bangkok with three giant bars of the aforementioned evil chocolate we were consuming. Arghhh

        • Theodora says:

          Mmm…. Rather that, however, than have one’s cast-iron gut give up in despair part-way through motorbiking Laos. On the plus side, I’ve lost LOADSA weight…

  14. LOL — love this post. The right amount of snark for me 🙂

  15. This was a GREAT post T!! Love the writing style. The lard slivers, not so much. 🙂

  16. Abi says:

    Great post – made me smile. I mysteriously lost weight in Malaysia, despite all that great food. Everywhere else, though, and especially in Spain it just climbs back on…It’s almost as if eating cheese served in oil and then having a siesta isn’t hard work!

  17. Ron says:

    Believe it or not, I actually tried that mashed potato machine! I stayed at Capri by Fraser Changi City during my stopover in Singapore. The apartment hotel was right next to a huge mall just one train station from the airport, and they have them in convenience shops. It wasn’t exactly nasty, just really strange and.. artificial. I think i would rather get mash potatoes from my hotel’s restaurant. LOL!

    • Theodora says:

      No way! I used to have a policy of trying every disgusting snack food I found in every shop in Asia, not to mention anything that looked really weird or gross on the menu, but I had to pass on the mashed poo (plus I was gaining weight). Did they sweeten it? I imagine it being like Filipino savoury popcorn, which is heavily sugared (so you get sweet cheese popcorn)…